The other night I found myself on an empty street with a date who had a little too much to drink and about to head home in her car. I suddenly saw myself in a courtroom being questioned by a lawyer about sexual assault charges and simultaneously in another courtroom being questioned about letting her drive home possibly intoxicated.

I totally realize that’s being excessively paranoid but just like women have certain risks they have to deal with, physician bachelors have their own landmines to avoid.

The Bachelor Physician

I’m nearly 40 and a bachelor. I wasn’t always this wise. Sometime in 2012 I proposed to a woman with a $50,000 engagement ring and eventually go married. When I met my married buddies for a post-surf-session breakfast I broke them the good news, only to watch their faces of disgust and disappointment.

“Why?! Dude, you were our only hope. You had so much going for you… I just don’t get it.”

We all spent that meal together in silence. I went off to marry that woman a few months later. And I got divorced 8 months after that. But I had a prenup – the whole ordeal only set me back $150k.

The Stigma

For the most part being a 40’s bachelor physician will come across fine as long as you don’t advertise it. But you will meet conservative individuals who will raise an eyebrow – some believe it’s your duty to reproduce.

I have a fake size 10 wedding band for just such occasions. If you are interviewing for a job with one of Jesus’s apostles then it’s better to finger that ring and sing your imaginary wife’s praises.

Having Kids

Growing up everyone said that I’ll change my mind about kids. I never wanted to have kids growing up and still don’t – in fact, now I am elated that made that decision. I kept waiting because everyone was so convinced that I’d change my mind – maybe something was wrong with me? Did people know something about me that I didn’t know?

Finally I realized that people were just projecting on me their own insecurities about their mortality and their desire of more possessions in this world. They didn’t know anything worthwhile about me as an individual.

If you don’t want kids do not let anyone talk you into them. By the way, you are perfectly normal for not wanting kids.

The Fake Ring

Do not wear that fake ring in the exam room. My dear lads, you might think that it would protect you from sexually forward patients (male or female) but for whatever reason it’s like bait for the crazies.

Failed Marriages

You’ll be mocked for ending a failed marriage early. And you’ll be scorned for ending a marriage if kids are involved. And you’ll be lectured on why it’s idiotic to end a 25-year-long marriage.

We’re physicians, we understand statistics better than anyone. It’s not only relevant that the divorce rate is 50% but the other 30% are 2 people miserably living their lives under a roof – possibly for the sake of their kids.

There is no good way of exiting a marriage. You’ll always lose one way or another. This is why I don’t think male physicians should ever get married. It’s too costly and you already have a very large target on your back.

Fake Marriage

If you are vying your family’s inheritance money and need to appease moms and pops then I recommend a fake marriage. Skip the marriage certificate, hire an actor to wed you, put on a wedding ceremony, and feed your friends and family with food and booze.

Mail Order Bride

This is a terrible idea on so many levels – looking at the white guys here. Not just because you’re going to get swindled but also because you will royally fuck up that person’s and your own life.

Female Roommate

Worried that mom will think you’re gay? Worried that you are the only single man in your professional family? Hire a female roommate.

Empty out that extra bedroom where you keep your unused exercise equipment and offer a reduced rent to a female roomy. In return she’ll pretend to be your partner – that’s the hiring part.

Gay Marriage

I often wish I wasn’t attracted to women. Even as a gay man you should take marriage seriously and realize that you’re at risk as much as a hetero physician bachelor.

This is especially the case if your husband is dependent on you financially. In such situations you’ll be dealing with the same financial headache in case of divorce.

Open Marriages

I never knew such a thing existed until I came to Portland! You fucking brilliant Portlandians, you. I have several married friends who have open marriages – this is the only time I have interacted with a happy married couple. Not happy because they could take out their insecurities on their partner – but genuinely happy. As in each person does their own shit and wants the other person to be happy.

The way this works is that you are still married to each other, maybe even love each other, but aren’t committed to only each other. They even have kids and some have extended family living with them.

It’s not like a fuckfest either. Each partner has to discuss the situation with the other partner and get their blessing before getting physically or emotionally involved with another partner.

Perspective

I realize that this post reads as a jaded middle-aged man’s view on love and relationships. But let me first start by saying that marriage doesn’t equal love nor companionship. Ever felt lonely when another human being is sharing your last name and your home? You’ve never felt loneliness until you’ve been in a miserable marriage.

As for love… I love my money, I love ma’ momma, I love my friends, and I loved my cat. I definitely was in love with 2 of the women I dated.

Should everyone tell you – and they will – that you are jaded and bitter and that you’ll be lonely and sad if you stay a bachelor all your life then I’d like to throw a little perspective your way, how many of your married buddies are raving about their marriages?

It’s hilarious watching your buddy give you a non-committal “I mean yea, I love my wife and all. Not saying it’s easy. And totally love my kid – couldn’t imagine my life without it but you know, it’s hard, and it’s tough, and it takes a lot of sacrifice, and you have to give up a lot. You know, if I had to go back … I don’t know but now, you know now it’s different. But you know, yea I love my wife…” 

Yea dude, I’m sold – how do I not signs up for that?

How many men are raving about their full-time jobs?
Or stoked that they now have a $1.5M mortgage?
How many are getting chubbies thinking about having to work another 23.5 years at their medical group until they can retire?

Not everything individuals have fought to achieve or obtain are logical pursuits. Trust your instincts.

The Risks of Being Single

The problem with being a bachelor physician is that you will have a target on your back. If you are as ugly as a Pug or have the personality of a DMV employee then you’re fine – stop reading here.

As a bachelor physician you’ll get hit on by your nurses, by patients, and you’ll be placed in awkward situations with medical students and residents. And you are always the predator. Of course you’re a delightful charming human being right up until you no longer want to be with that woman – but upon breaking up it becomes clearly apparent that you are a psychopath.

Dating & Position of Power

It’s common knowledge that in the workplace dating someone who is in a lower position than you is frowned upon and downright forbidden by many medical groups.The same is true when you’re volunteering or in any other professional setting.

The problem is that you’re a physician – there isn’t really anyone else above you in that employment food chain. So by definition you are always at fault if anything goes wrong.

You’ll always be looked upon as a predator especially in our society where men have all been but castrated. You like boobs? You fucking pervert. You wanna go out with a woman because she is attractive? What a shallow bastard. You want to date your nurse who is 10 years younger than you? You predator.

Retaliation

It used to be easy when a woman hit on you and you weren’t interested – you’d kindly blow her off and that’d be the end of it.

Now women can stalk you online, find your contact information, email you, text you, send you inappropriate messages and picture,s and there isn’t much you can do about that.

I once reported a nurse in my residency who would keep rubbing her tits against me and tried to grab my crotch and ass – this went on for months. She’d make terribly inappropriate comments about male patients to me. My attending smirked when I brought it to her attention, “You’re a grown man, you can handle it. Toughen up.” I went over my attending’s head and reported it to HR – they looked into it and felt that my accusations were unsubstantiated.

If you are in the room with an attractive female patient who is coming on to you and you shut her down then what’s to stop her from accusing you of something inappropriate? Nobody else was in the room. You’re fucked.

Sexual Harassment

I have dated a lot over the past few years and I have amazing stories which I wouldn’t believe unless they happened to me.

On multiple occasions I have been accused by a woman whom I dated that I behaved sexually inappropriate towards her. There are all sorts of permutations of this – always brought up after I no longer wanted to see that person. And all 100% fake and made up.

Just like a wife can claim to be raped by her husband, a woman whom you go on a date with can claim that you sexually harassed her. The best ways to protect against this is to avoid dating the crazies.

Sure, the crazies are the most fun women to date but they will create the most amount of headache.

Don’t get nekked with a woman until you have at least 5-6 dates under your belt. Be sure to exchange some positive-sounding documentable texts along those lines as well.

Rape Accusations

I don’t even want to tell my stories from these situations because they still give me goosebumps. Just know that it’s stupidly easy for a woman to accuse you of rape because the premise of rape is a genital cocktail.

Remember that you don’t get to decide if your sexual interaction was rape – everyone but you gets to decide, including her, the jury, her peers, your peers, and her family.

Don’t have sex with a woman when you’re drunk unless you’ve been with that woman for a while. Always, always, always get a next-morning happy text. “Hey, I had a great time, would love to hang out again soon.” “Me too, I had a great time – you are my king-dingaling!”

Suicide Threats

If you date long enough you will get that suicide threat. You’re about to break up with a woman, she knows it’s coming, her lithium levels are troughing, and she’ll tell you that she’ll kill herself if you break up with her.

The problem is that you’re not just some fucking schmoe off the street. You’re a fucking doctor. Do you think a jury will look upon you as a regular person or hold you to the standards of a doctor?

You keep her on the line, you call 911, and you’re done. And yes, you must keep her on the line until she says: “Sniffle, sniffle. Hold on, someone’s at the door. Sniffle.”

Smearing Campaign

I don’t have any social media accounts but back in the day I had MySpace or whatever it was called. And now there are thousands of websites where a woman can write some very foul things about you.

Not only should you regularly Google your name to see what’s written about you online but you should set up a Google Alert.

If you incorporate your name “Michael Smith MD Inc.” then you’ll have a little easier time and more power to have someone remove a derogatory comment about you.

Pregnancy Accusation

Ever gotten told that you’re the father of a pregnant woman? Was it odd that she said this to you right around the time you were about to break up with her?

Never break up with a woman until she’s had her period – I know, I’m such a bastard for saying this, an absolutely horrible human being. Go ahead and hang me for this but you’ll thank me 10 years from now when you don’t have to worry about that paternity test kit in the mail.

A vasectomy is a fantastic option and will make the pregnancy accusation that much more entertaining to deal with.

Dating & Sex

Remember that as a single male you are considered a predator – that’s how society views you. If you are going around asking women on dates and god forbid sticking your D in their V then you are the worst kind.

Of course, you must be a sexual deviant because no woman wants to have sex – it’s the single man who telepathically roofies the women into having sex with him.

Keep It Separate

Keep your dating life to yourself. Don’t brag about it, don’t tell your family, don’t tell your friends, and definitely don’t put it on your FB page.

Don’t flirt with women where you go to the gym, where you study, where you work, or where your colleagues can see you. Remember, sex is bad. The only sex that’s acceptable is the shitty sex you have with your wife who wants to divorce you as much you want to divorce her – pastor approved sex.

Online Dating

I’m not a fan. As an avid ex-online dater I have to say that it’s a sea of women on antidepressants. The normal women who go on there probably leave after the first 4 hours of being online – how many dick-pics can you view in an hour before needing to throw up?

Prostitutes

Most of my guy friends have been with prostitutes – the correct term is a sex worker. I have a lot of respect for women in that trade – it’s like being a Family Medicine doctor – you didn’t really wanna do it but damn it pays so fucking well… so what if you have to finger some fat dude’s asshole a few times a day?

I find nothing wrong with a woman who is a sex worker – more power to her. I would advise against it for my bachelor physicians, however. It will look bad on your if it leaks out – and it often does leak out.

If you are going to pay for sex then I would recommend doing it in another country and of course making sure it’s legal – it’s called sex tourism, don’t pretend like you don’t know what I’m talking about you pervert. Sexual deviant!

Should you use your visa to get some ass, don’t be like one of my buddies who got drugged by a supposed sex worker and had all his shit stolen and left in a random hotel room.

Best Parts of Being a Bachelor Physician

Where do I begin??

Your Home

You have your whole home to yourself. You can get up in the middle of the night and blast techno. You can watch a horror movie without anyone telling you to come to bed, to turn it down, to stop watching scary movies, or that “if you have all that energy to be up in the middle of the night why don’t you change the A/C filter instead?”

Vacations

You can plan a vacation anytime you want, wherever you want, and on your own terms. No worrying about someone else’s schedule.

And don’t worry, if you don’t want to go alone you’ll likely meet someone on your trip or you can always invite one of your booty calls along.

Booty Calls

If you’re a decent human being then you’ll have groves of ex’s who will be texting you unsolicited nekked pics of themselves long after you have broken up. Not just for the sex – they value you as a human being and want to stay in touch.

Should you have a moral problem with paying for sex then you always have the option of calling upon your booty calls. As always, don’t be a dick, treat every human being respectfully. Don’t play with another human being’s emotions and never string anyone along.

Moving

Are you tired of your surroundings? Looking for a change? You can grab your 2 bags and move across the Atlantic to Spain for a few months. You don’t have to check with someone else, you don’t have to coordinate schedules, and you don’t have to worry about someone else’s comfort.

Working

Nobody will nag you if you are working too much or not working enough. Do you want to work on that shitty novel that nobody will ever read well into the night? Delightful!

Do you want to do a 20-hour telemedicine marathon shift? Go ahead, nobody will tell you to stop.

Hanging Out With Friends

You can go shoot pool with a buddy at 10am or at midnight. You can stay out until 3am or get a hotel and not even come back for the night.

You can even hang out with your “bad influence” friends without anyone telling you that you are “insensitive, uncaring, irresponsible”.

Finances

…yea.

Talking to Your Mom

I’m a momma’s boy from head to toe. If you enjoy talking to your mommy but have to hide it from your woman then you know how delightful it is to put your mom on speakerphone and shoot the shit.

Making Bad Decisions

One of the single best things about being human is being able to make bad decisions. Imagine being a fucking cat who always walks cautiously, buries their shit in the litter box, and is careful what they jump off of – what a drag.

Bachelor physicians, much like canines, aren’t aerodynamically designed to make good decisions. What’s even worse than dealing with the consequence of a bad decision? Having someone nag you while you’re doing it or after it’s already done.

Hobbies

You don’t know shit about motorcycles but you really want to restore one. So you buy one and park it in the backyard and for the next 2.5 months. You already know that you are only making the bike worse but do you need anyone reminding you of that?

Worst Parts of Being A Bachelor Physician

….

I know you’re waiting for me to say loneliness.

If you’re lonely when you’re single then you’ll be lonely even in a marriage.

Love & Relationships

I can only speak about my own experiences. That’s what’s wonderful about a blog – that’s what we’re missing in our society, learning from others who obviously have made plenty of mistakes.

I’ve been in love and it’s great but it doesn’t make for a relationship. That poor woman still had to deal with the mess that’s me. And I had to deal with all her baggage. But love is possible even without getting married.

Relationships can be had in all sorts of fashions and it does not have to be the way we are told it is. Fuck the standard. You’re not a standard. You are an individual and you should love in your own way and have a relationship in your own way.

Be a swinger. Be in an open relationship. Date several people at the same time. Go get an STD from a hooker. There are all sorts of shit out there but it works for those individuals. More importantly, they had the balls to pursue those alternative lifestyles – that takes courage.

Don’t Be A Dick

As I’m writing this section I’m picturing one of my fellow residents who was ahead of me. He wasn’t a good-looking human being but he had game. He is the definition of an ass who ruins it for all other well-intentioned physician bachelors.

Don’t listen to the media, you can stay single in perpetuity and be a good human being. You are not a predator. The woman who had sex with you can tell you that she regretted it or that you’re a piece of shit but she did it consensually.

If you have a booty call treat them like a human being. If they have a crush on you still then be a fucking adult and bring it up – “Hey, I’m worried you still have feelings for me and I’ve moved on. I don’t want to hang out together if it means that I might give you the wrong impression.”

Lying and cheating is childish. If you have something to hide then ask yourself if you’re hiding it because you’re feeling pressure by societal standards. At the same time understand that you are not responsible for another human being’s emotions – be honest and let them decide how they want to proceed.

Finally, don’t wear cutoff scrub tops. I will put a financial curse on you if you do.

Paying for Dates

It’s 2018, the woman who expects you to pay for her is the woman who will want you to buy her a $2,500 purse. Just like you shouldn’t be dating if you have no money to go out and pay for a coffee or a dinner, she shouldn’t be out with you if she’s broke.

Don’t pay for dates but be a gentleman and offer for your first date to be somewhere inexpensive. Coffee and dessert. Ice cream. Fancy donut shop. A museum.