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Retiring Isn’t As Easy As I Thought

My Fear Of Retirement

I might have made a major decision in my life but my subconscious has all sorts of other ideas. Every day I go back and forth… what was I thinking retiring this early? What if I lose my skills? What if the money runs out? What are others gonna think of me? Am I gonna get depressed? What if I can’t fill up my free time with enough stuff?

Then comes some bargaining. Okay, I’ll just do a few shifts with my medical group, I’ll stay on peripherally so that I have a backup option. Maybe I can find another gig somewhere else? I could always start a business.

Then there is that overwhelmed feeling. There are so many things I could do, I have a list a mile long of the different things I’d like to do with my new-found free time. Reading, writing, exercising, fixing things, learning languages, learning instruments, volunteering, teaching, catching up with friends, cooking… all the same stuff every human being enjoys, just more of it.

Why is this whole process so difficult? Perhaps because I’ve come to identify with my career, with a high income and with my workplace. I may have spent some time dis-identifying from my job over the past couple of years but obviously I’ve done a piss-poor job at it because it sure doesn’t feel like a relief.

I realize this is a normal feeling to have but really, I didn’t think it would happen to me. I thought I would be dancing my way into retirement without ever looking back. Instead I’m actually mourning a little and though I hate to say it I’m feeling a little lost. Not that I don’t have good options but maybe I’ve given myself too many options and there is that big ugly fear in the background that keeps asking what if you fail.

I’m definitely my own hardest critic. I need to just let this new change marinade around in my daily life a little. Once the dust settles I can probably make a better decision. So the past few days I keep reminding myself that dude, you don’t need to do that much, just sit your ass down and read a little, stare out the window, go for a walk and take it easy.

When I’m feeling positive I do the math and everything makes sense, plenty of money in the bank, plenty of passive income from investments and lots of good options in case I need a little extra income. The following day it’s all shit, the math doesn’t add up, I’m face down on the street with my pimp standing over me going “You’re such a waste!”.

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